To the man that was never mine
by allonym
Summary: The Crucible Abigail writes to John before her escape.


The characters of John and Abigail are from Arthur Miller's play, The Crucible.

_To the man that was never mine,_

_I am beginning my journey to see you John, but this I dedicate to you in case I meet my just fate._

_The Christian way was never mine John, you alone truly understood that. But being put out of the meetin' house for laughter is nothing compared to the damnation I shall soon receive for the loss of your great and pure soul. I thank ye' for your noble attempts to save my blackened soul John, but I'm afraid it all came to naught when you sacrificed your life for mine and for the sake of your friends….But I am with God now, or as close as He will allow one with such a scarlet name._

_But I ramble, I need to apologise John. A final attempt to open myself before I pass on._

_I will start at the beginning; it seems as good a place as any now, now that I know my place._

_I loved you John, I love you still. But back then we had a promise, though you understood little of it then. When your wife broke the promise for you, the day she threw me out, John, I saw your face and thought you loved me. I know better now, but then I knew little of the world, as you knew little of the love of young girls._

_I pledged my love and my life that night to you John. And that is where it all began, the night when blood began to drip from my hands and stain the soil of fair Salem._

_The night we were discovered in the woods, dancin' were not all we were doing. I drank a charm John. I drank blood I forced Tituba to spill, to try and take your wife's place. I meant to dance on her grave with you John. It seems fair now, if she sees fit to dance on mine._

_When my uncle leaped on us and Betty took fright, and again when Hale called for us to open ourselves, I felt that it was the charm; I felt it was the Devil at work. And in a way I was right John, for at the time I was Lucifer, it was I alone who was doing the Devil's work in Salem._

_In the beginning I did not truly mean to cry spirits on the whole world, it was just a way out when Betty sported at being ill._

_But when you said that you may have once thought of me softly, and when I saw, there, standing in Betty's sick – room, that you were bending to a frail sick woman. When you rushed at me, anger and love in your eyes. Anger for me, love for your wife, I wanted that love to be mine, anger too if I must have it. At that moment I decided that I would sign the Devil's book, with my own blood, if I could win you John._

_When Tituba 'confessed' to witchcraft, A plan formed in my mind. I decided I knew what I had to do to win your love as I believed I had once before._

_So I closed myself to heaven and opened myself to Hell. _

_I opened myself to Hale and cried witchcraft on Goody Osborne and Sarah Good and…and there were many others. My voice rising exultant with Betty's and Tituba's, dragging down people before us._

_After the arrests, judges Hathorne and Danforth were called. And then the court began, and the court led to more arrests and more arrests led to more haggins'….and my heart weeps to think of all the innocent people I killed then John. But, back then it was all just sport to the girls, I want you to know that none of them truly knew what they were doin'… except maybe for Mary. But truly I believe they didn't know John, I made them do it. Me, I take it all upon my shoulders, for I promised them a pointy reckoning in the black of some terrible night, if they did not._

_I mentioned your wife's name in court many times, I know you want not to hear of it , but I did. I wanted her dead John._

_Finally after many court sessions and many haggins, Mary gave me the chance I had been waiting for, and I felt all the lives I had sacrificed for our love would finally be justified._

_I saw Mary making the poppet next to me in court, and watched her push a needle two inches into its belly for safe keepin'._

_I gave her time to make her way home and give the poppet to your wife, then stuck a needle two inches into my own flesh and watched my blood run out, for you. I called the courts John, I showed them what your 'wife's spirit' had done to me. I cried witchery on your wife, to win your love._

_After they found your wife guilty of witchin me, you crashed like an ocean upon the court to save her. But you needed have not, for God already had. Though I found her pregnancy infuriating at the time as it added another arrow to the many she had it you, I know it now for God, saving one of his own. _

_But come to her rescue you did John, and cast the crime of lechery on me…and yourself in order to save your wife. _

_You called it a whores vengeance John, but you were wrong. I was never a whore, I was simply a young girl in love. But what was important was that they believed you John. When Danforth called in your wife, my blood ran cold. Though I believed I had won when it was found Mary could not pretend, I thought I had lost you when they called the most virtuous women I had ever know to testify the truth. _

_But even after that saintly lady committed her one and only sin, and lied about my virtue. I still was not free to love you. I cried out against Mary, John. Never knowing that she would cry against you. _

_But cry against you she did. And by then I was powerless to stop it. Though the sport was all in my name, I had built up so much power, that even I had not the strength to stop it. And you were charged as a wizard, Crying 'God is dead!' and in a way, you were right John, because you were my God._

_So I ran John. I could not bare see you hung, for I knew that the God of my idolatry would not throw even a scrap of a lie to the dogs that made up that court._

_Mercy and I broke into my Uncle's strongbox, stealing 31 pounds, and boarding a ship for Boston, leaving behind us a town, broken by my selfish ways._

_I heard later that you were hung three days after I left. They said Hale bade you confess, and they even brought your wife to soften you. But you did what I knew you would always do John, though my heart breaks to think on it now. You forgave yourself for something that was never your fault, and left this world as a saint._

_Now I too draw closer to leaving this world, John. I wish I could see you again, but my heart tells me that we said good-bye in Salem. My path is very different to yours John, and I fear it ends in a very different place._

_Know I have always thought of you softly John. And though I can never ask you to forgive me for what I did to you, that I truly am sorry._

_Now, I have truly and finally opened myself to my God, I leave you John._

_May you find peace._

_The woman that has always been yours. _

_**Abigail Williams**_


End file.
